The first few weeks at site have been wild, to say the least. It already feels like I’ve been here so long just because so much has happened. I was trying to think of how to best communicate these experiences, and I’m drawing a blank. It is absurd that, for the first time in my life, my shared experiences are with people who don’t share a language.
So, I’ve been in my head a lot. Not in an overthinking way, but in a “I would have said that out loud, but no one here speaks English” kind of way. So, I’m going to put together a list of confessions of sorts. Things that I’ve thought to myself over the last few weeks and just haven’t had the chance to share. Hopefully it’ll give you a glimpse into the first few pages in this journey.
1. Yeah, I have no idea what you just said.
Even after roughly 130-140 hours of language training for ten weeks (where I tested an Intermediate High in Thai, two levels above the required Intermediate Low), I regularly leave conversations having no idea what just transpired. We were taught the Central Dialect because that’s what most people understand… but my site speaks the Northern dialect. No big deal, except that some words are just completely different and I feel like I understand significantly less than I did in Central Thailand.
It’s fine when it’s my three-year-old brother – I can just say “Chai mai?” instead of the normal “yeah?” I would say to a child back home. I’ve even been switching it up to say “leo gaw arai?” (and then what?) to convince this small child that I’m not totally lost. But, as I’m sure is not surprising, this tactic doesn’t work with adults. When I don’t understand, they know – usually because my answer to their question made absolutely no sense. Or because my eyes got the size of a dinner plate.
Fortunately, most “mai kao jai”s (I don’t understand) are forgiven promptly, and I’ve mastered a delivery that is paired with a broad smile and an apologetic tone. People have been so incredibly patient with me.
2. I’m not sure I’m qualified for this.
Don’t get me wrong, I have never felt more prepared for a task than I do right now. Our intensive training was delivered so expertly – it’s almost like they knew what we should expect at site. Weird. I have tangible tasks to complete within the first three weeks, measures of success, and standards to achieve. If you know me at all, you know that I am ESCTATIC about clear expectations and the tangible tasks. They trained me well, my life experiences have set me up for success, and I’m pumped for this work.
At the same time, some of the vehicles through which I am completing youth development are slightly less in my area of expertise. If I’m being truly honest, I’ve been saying that I like to play volleyball and badminton and I like to swim because Thailand doesn’t have skiing and those are sports I have done in the past. I also was hoping that if I gave examples of other sports I liked, maybe my Program Manager wouldn’t put me at a site that just needs a soccer coach. I am so bad at soccer.
Last weekend, I was handed a badminton racquet and thought to myself “Wow, I hope I remember how to do this.” Good news, I only wildly missed a few times.
And last week – week two on the job – I helped teach a swimming camp. My only qualifications to teach swimming are that I can swim and I was once a lifeguard, so we ran with that. The school has a male swim teacher, so I was assigned to run the sessions for the girls. At the end of the week, girls who panic-clung to me mid-swim on Monday were making it all the way across the pool without help. I taught them that! It was pretty incredible to feel like I already was teaching something, even when I had gone into it feeling wholly unqualified.
3. I would kill for a movie night.
Pre-service Training delivered a ZOMBIE to site: me. The weeks leading up to our site departure included our language test, our final interviews, saying goodbye to our host families, swearing-in, a 3-day Counterpart Conference, and a considerable amount of saying goodbye to our new PCV friends. I had been running on empty for awhile, and the chaos of the hotel did not help. I slept almost the whole way to site (a 15-hour van ride), and army crawled to that first weekend where I napped for no less than three times a day both Saturday and Sunday. I was a certain brand of PST exhausted.
Now I’m site exhausted, but it’s different. I think I finally caught up on sleep – my new family calls weekends “freestyle”, which means I can wake up whenever I want and basically go back to sleep at any point throughout the day. So wonderful. My exhaustion now is emotional. There are so many names to remember, and I think I’m only retaining about 40% of them. I’m intentionally building relationships, doing my best to go out of my way to meet people and make those I’ve already met feel valued. This introvert is doing her best, and it’s going pretty well.
But I find myself wishing for a movie night. A night where I don’t feel like I should be doing anything else. A night where the TV I’m watching is in English. A night where my biggest concern is whether or not I should buy a package of gummy worms even though I know I’ll finish them during the previews.
I love this job, am so excited for this adventure, and am so ready and committed to being here. At the same time, I haven’t quite figured out how to get introvert time… a necessity for my sanity.
4. I’m still adjusting.
Man, I thought I did so well during PST. I felt like I really was adjusting and integrating into Thai culture, and I felt like I understood what was expected of me both for work and at home. Having an incredible host family who loved me so much probably helped, but I felt like my comfort zone had expanded and I was thriving in a new culture and a new family.
These days, I’ve found myself peeking out of the door to my office room hoping that somebody sees me and tells me what to do. I don’t really know what I should be doing at any moment, even though I know I have a list of things to accomplish. Should I start teaching myself Thai or are we momentarily going to the elderly school? A real dilemma these days.
I’m also still adjusting in so many other ways. I get grossed out by dirty dishes, but a communal cup here in Thailand is a common thing. I felt really good about how far I’d come with liking spicy foods until my coworkers reassured me that a dish was “mai pet” (not spicy), and I ended in a coughing fit.
Our PST facilitators talked about how we had stretched and adjusted to a new comfort zone in Suphanburi, but we’d have to start all over at site. Again, they were totally right. I feel like I’m starting all over adjusting and integrating – but it’s a worthy task and I can make it happen.
5. I miss my people.
I miss my family and friends in Minnesota. I really miss my host family in Suphanburi (heck, I even miss my pineapple lady! Though, I guess mostly I miss the pineapples). I miss my new PCV people who are now spread out throughout this country.
This past weekend, I talked to some of my best friends from home, my parents, and my new PC friends. It was great for my soul to feel connected to everyone.
I’m confident I will find new people and build new incredible relationships, but there’s no taking the place of family and friends at home. It’s a long time to be away. I miss my people.
6. I’m so stinking excited.
I’m so darn excited to do this job. I’m excited for these kids to get to know me. I’m excited for the day when they greet me warmly instead of laughing when I ask them questions (okay maybe they’ll still laugh). I’m excited to start being in a classroom, to settle into a routine, to build the student’s confidence, life-skills, and self-worth. Part of the reason I’m here is because I want to do something meaningful, I want to make a difference. I know that thinking I’ll change an entire city for the better is ambitious, even unrealistic. But I hope that I will make a difference in the lives of at least a few kids.
And the prospect of that makes me the most excited.
So yeah, these first weeks have been overwhelming and exciting. There’s much to be done and a long way to go. I can already tell that this experience is going to be one where I’ll emerge the most changed of all.
Naam Wan
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