I don't know if it's the start of the rainy season, the start of the school year, or just general introspection, but when I tried to write about how I'm feeling, all that would come out was poetry.
But I guess that happens to everyone. Sometimes writing comes out rhyming, sometimes you're just not in the mood for full sentences.
So here are three poems about PCV life right now. Hope you enjoy them!
Honeymoonin'
Is this the honeymoon?
It feels too soon
to tell. I can’t tell
If you’re swell
or sweltering but I think
maybe both.
Do I love you
or do I have to
because I’m here now,
that’s the fear. Now
I wonder how long
I can keep going on knowing
at home it’s snowing
and there’s an oven waiting
and I could be baking
and making more money
but funny enough, I’d be bored.
I eat another plate of rice
wouldn’t it be nice
if I knew where to get
flour or beer or vegetables.
Am I losing weight
because of the exercise
or because no thanks, I ate
is my anthem of late?
But then I realize
how time flies and I
feel like this is home.
Known, I smile at people
I’ve never met and yet
They know me.
My heart is full
and my Thai broken
appreciation and frustration
alike, unspoken.
I’m happy, and not because
I have to be.
So.
Am I honeymoonin' or homesick?
Hard to pick
3 Things I’ve learned about Me
1. I want an adventure
I want swords and great battles,
Great warriors in saddles
I want an epic love story
Where they live for the glory
I want the edge-of-your-seat
The will I live or die feat
Of a hero.
Am I a hero? Who knows
how my story goes, but I’d guess
no. So,
I guess I’ll be the hero of my own story,
Live for different kinds of glory.
Aim to make a mark, leave a change
though it may sound strange
I think it’s brave to aim
To change hearts.
If I was a hero, I would
go on great missions and fight in great battles.
But maybe there’s a battle here.
I have some small, idling fear that
ready or not
adventure’s near.
2. I will be okay
I can feel my heartbeat in my palms.
Heat colors my cheeks, stemming from
a furnace in my soul.
This isn’t going how I thought it would
The old me screams
I take a deep breath and smile.
She’s not welcome here, hasn’t been for a while.
I learn to operate by the seat of my pants,
The skin of my teeth,
every last-minute chance.
But it always works out.
I will be okay.
3. Alone is enough
When was the last time
my thoughts were all mine
for this long?
It feels wrong.
When last did I hear
my own voice so clearly
in my head?
In my own bed
I look at empty paper
I’ve thought so much.
Surely, something touched
a nerve somewhere,
something to share.
But the stillness is so complete
Sometimes even enough to compete
With my thoughts spinning in my head
Like bingo
You know
I feel so alone.
And yet,
I’ve never felt so at home
with this version of me.
Because if I had to bet
I’d put my money on me
I’m feeling finally free
to be the best version of me.
The bold, unapologetic silly
that comes with feeling really,
truly loved just as you are.
I wish I could communicate just how far
I’ve come.
Because I’ve been here before,
alone is no stranger.
I’ve slammed the doors and I’ve felt the anger
And then I hid.
I did what I did
to survive. I hope you hear
I picked up the pieces of myself for years
And I never thought I’d thrive
alone.
Alone is tough,
But I am enough.
Wishing in the rain
The rain
cascades in irregular, violent sheets
Just a few feet
In front of where I sit, my patio in this new, blue home
I own
nothing here. I am at the mercy
of this new mom and she
never quite understands and
I can’t find the words, speaking with my hands
but my hands speak English.
I wish
For more rain
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